Sometimes I think about how people perceive me. I hate thinking about that.

My Libra friend told me the other day that he had a gift for me. Something small. Something that “made me think of you”.

WHAT?!

I’m scared people think i’m insane, or stupid. So honestly I was really stressed about what it could be. Like how are you gonna get me something random that reminded you of me? Yea.. no I will definitely overthink this…

He gave me a metal mermaid shaped bottle opener.

thank fuck.

HELLO FRIENDSSSSSSS (my 5 readers)!!!! I havent been able to write on here for a minute now but I’m back!!!

This whole last year was most certainly the biggest character building experience I could’ve received. And I didn’t at the time know how much I needed that. I have learned so much about people, myself and how to interact with my surroundings better. But as always I am still learning.

I was fortunate to experience so much evil and so much love in many ways. They have all shaped the way I look, talk, sleep and dress. And for that I will be forever thankful but, I will be forever fearful and weary.

I met a man this year who looked at me deeply in the eye and lied to me. With the sweetest smile on his face. He called me honest and sweet. And at the time I took these as complements, I can see now that it was conceding and entertaining for him. He was 24 with a great eye for open and loving energy that he might steal.

“You’re unlike anyone i’ve ever met”

“You’re the kindest person I know”

“Thank you for caring so much about me”

Being praised for the way I love people and then getting absolutely disrespected time and time again messed me up bad. I to this day feel like people are taking advantage of me when they say stuff like this.

I found myself in a situation where I thought he was sneaking around with another girl and hiding it from me, I never thought I was the other woman. I was. When all was out and open I found myself hating my mind, my heart, MY BODY and the place I lived felt contaminated.

I write all this now because I will never let anyone make me feel that way again. And I even celebrate the man’s NOW ex girlfriend for escaping.

I got a message today from so said girl where she apologized for hating me and blaming me for her partner cheating. I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that. I didn’t know how much I worried about her and her approval until she said that. I feel content in all that happened now because we both got better and we both got out.

The energy that this man stole will come back. With time. We will bounce back better. But will mourn the innocent, sweet souled women who were taken advantage of.

Think of them before, think about what they lost. Celebrate what they gained.

We are both liars and I know this. But I’m better at it so you think its only you.

I let a man look me in the eye, in my room and surrounded by wonderful smelling candles tell me a not convincing lie. And I looked at him deeply with multiple sources disproving his words in the back of my mind. And he thinks I believed him.

I ran my hands through his hair and massaged and kissed his hands in the most sincere way I could. Truthfully I wanted to do those things to him. I liked him. And it felt like a way to say goodbye to what we had before I stopped trusting him. But I used my nurturing nature and eyebrows to seem like I believed. But it was actually disappointment behind my eyes and he would’ve seen this if it was in daylight. But he only knew me in the candlelight.

I wanted him to feel safe. Because I am safe. I will be safe to you if you deserve it. But I needed to do this. I seemed trusting and relieved by his lies but I was more or less relieved that my intuition didn’t fail me. Relieved that I could now be free again.

I built my case. I am letting it die. And I am staying graceful.

He might find this once its over and he doesn’t quite know why I got so cold. So he’ll dig for answers. But sometimes a fire takes a long time to burn out.

Truthfully I began to dim that night. When you forced me to be a liar.

I like to think that I have a fairly even head on my shoulders, then I think about one man who I haven’t seen in over a year and I know that I don’t.

I have about 14 tattoos covering my body. These all landing upon me in about a year. Do the math.

I have never felt actually delusional about anything until I met a Capricorn who altered my brain chemistry. I really am not going to dive into all of it right now but I will share the recent relapse of delusions that I have experienced.

I was at work the other day when a coworker came in smelling like him. My heart pounded and I got really anxious. I decoded the smell immediately like a fucking dog. And I went ballistic.

I told him I needed to know what he smelled like because he smelled identical to one of my friends but I “couldn’t place which one”. I made him find a photo of his cologne. I really shouldn’t know what he smells like. Like how intimate, and how absolutely psychotic of me to be actively on google finding where I can purchase it.

When I got my first tattoo I posted it to a story that coincidentally he was the only person on, and he messaged me right as planned. He himself was pretty tatted and took a lot of pride in his body art. I have since decorated myself as well, I have made my instagram public because he isn’t supposed to have any contact with me just in case he wants to check in on me.

Do you still check in on me?

Please still check in on me!

Thank you for wearing Giorgio Armani Stronger With You. Thank you for being so elegant in my imagination. I need a motivation.

I was “wifed” for the remainder of my girlhood years. And while this has impacted my relationship love life probably for the better, I still feel like I didn’t get enough time building those “girl friend” foundations. And I mourn that often.

I played club volleyball from 11-17. Club volleyball was an interesting environment to be thrown in as an insecure and odd kid but I am not going to get to that right now. But honestly the experiences I got with girl groups, mean girls, cliques and shared passion with friends was immaculate. But this was only for about 4 months of the year. I looked forward to sharing hotel rooms and running around with these girls. But unfortunately the negatives outweighed the positives and these relationships ended.

I spent 3 years only seeing one person and accidentally self sabotaged by doing this. My relationship isolated me and made me forget the true magnificent energy that feminine love and care gives you. And I am forever thankful to be able to build feminine relationships with a deeper appreciation.

This last summer I met a girl at a party. One of those instances where you make a whole lot of friendly eye contact and exchange compliments throughout the night. She was tall, thin and had very sharp face features. She had a smile that only showed her top teeth and she had those lovely fangs that made her look so catlike. I liked her energy and after a compliment exchange I found out that she was a Gemini too!! Sometime during this party she asked me to hold her drink while she went to the bathroom. I have never felt happier I swear. The small gesture of trust made my heart LEAP.

She told me she was moving across the country for college the next week. And when I left the party, she hugged me and gave me a bracelet that she was wearing. I don’t think she could even understand just how much that really meant to me.

I am wearing the bracelet currently actually.

This last month at my work we got a transfer. She is tall and gorgeous and so girly. Its immaculate.

We have worked about 6 shifts together so far and I absolutely adore her. She is the kind of girl that you wanna show out for. She is in a sorority and is deeply imbedded in the girlhood culture. I want to be apart of that without having to be apart of it. When I was walking out the other day she told me “love ya!”. And it felt so relieving for some reason. I felt so at peace with the thought of being on a “love ya” status with this girl.

I feel so hopeful

I have found myself seeing a man to which I feel very loyal to for some reason. We have been seeing each other for a few months now while both also seeing others as well when it first started. But right now untitled, I’m his. He will never know that.

I get asked out a lot. Men come at me through all forms of communication, and I am always toeing the line of entertaining it out of boredom and being insanely scared of the interaction. I have a hard time saying no and a hard time spending time and possibly regretting it or feeling really gross about it.

I wrote about a man I used to see a while back and right after I did that he messaged me for the first time in almost a year. It spooked me cause because it seemed like a sign. And it was.

I saw this man for a few months I believe last Fall. And things ended abruptly all on my end. And he reached out a few times and I failed to reply. But since I had just passed him and just wrote about him I felt destined to reply.

He asked me if I would like to go get dessert and catchup. I waited about a day to reply of course just to make sure I was really truly wanting to reply to him again. But honestly it felt so important to the universe for me to cross his path again and I needed to finish that chapter clearly.

After a couple days of light conversation over text he plans a day for us to get dessert. I agreed and the day of I contemplated canceling about a million times. But I decided to meet him.

I got to the place where we agreed to meet and he was sitting out front. When I approached him I gave him a friendly hug just to make things less awkward and we walked inside. He opens the door. I notice that he is stuttering and not making a lot of eye contact, he is nervous.

I choose a slice of apple pie and he chooses a lemon bar. The man putting them in the box asks if it is together or separate, I say together. HE TAKES A STEP TO THE SIDE AWAY FROM ME.

HE ASKED ME ON THE DATE AND WAS NOT GOING TO PAY FOR MY 5 DOLLAR SLICE OF PIE AND HIS 3 DOLLAR LEMON BAR.

He walks back to me while Im signing the receipt and says ” I can Venmo you a couple dollars.” I make a stank face and say “ur good”

We take the food and walk back outside where there are tables to eat at. We sit down and the conversation is not fluid. He is nervous and honestly very odd. Like trying to be flirty and I am shutting it down left and right. LEFT AND RIGHT.

The dessert is eaten and my fingers are turning white. This is a strange thing that happens to me for some reason, but it will be a whole finger and nothing else that turns white and numb. I honestly don’t get it. Whatever.

He suggests that we go to his apartment and I drive since he walked…. (Premeditated way to get me back to his house). Whatever I am cold. So we get back to his house and I have to park on the street downtown in the dark and about a block away from his apartment as well as through a mini alley thing with a dumpster (remember this later).

We are making it up the stairs to which he informs me that he lives alone and I just assumed that he stilled lived with his last roommate. OOOOP-

We get into the apartment and it is SO COLD. And so… boy. Nothing on the walls. A pretty bland and non inviting environment. I digress….

He takes me on a tour of his place, this not including his room or the bathroom. And so naturally we open up the kitchen cabinets and I analyze. He has 4 spices in his cabinet

• Lemon pepper
• Cinnamon
• Salt
• Pepper

RED FLAG. Like where is the flavor????

We continue walking around his living room and kitchen. I draw my attention to the two decorations he has on his desk. A rose quartz and a small ceramic cat. I point to them and he says ” I still have the rock you gave me” …. Damn ahahaaaa. So I say “You said you didn’t have any pets? What is your cat’s name?”

“It’s not real.”

“Do you even feed her? She is way too small.”

“Its a fake cat.”

BOOOO BOOOO BOOO BORING. “ok”

“Wanna take a tour of my room.”

“yea sure.”

We walk into his room and I kid you not there is a bed and a nightstand… Tour? Clearly that was his way of trying to get me into his room, but I was still holding my purse. That is a tell tale sign that this woman is ready to leave and not comfortable.

“Nice” I walk right back out.

“should we watch something?” He says while he puts his arm around me. I move away from him and sit on the couch and say “sure.”

He turns on shark tank and we watch one sales pitch. Once the first commercial hits I stand up, he does too and I say “I think I might head home.” He sits back down “ok”

So I walk to the door and unlock it, open it and say “do you want me to lock the handle on the way out?”

“No I’ll get it after you leave.”

And I walk down the three flights of stairs, through the dumpster area, down the block in the dark and rain finally to my car.

How mother fucking disrespectful.

I sat in my car for a good ten minutes trying not to cry. I felt like an object. I really made me recognize just how low he thought of me. How little worth I was.

He was the one to ask me on the date, that he made me pay for. He also took me to his house where I assume he thought we might “do stuff”, and once he realized that I wasn’t interested in fucking him he stopped even caring remotely about me as a human. Dehumanizing as fuck.

I am a woman in her 20s. The absolute bare minimum was to walk me to THE DOOR. Let alone my car. THE DOOR is the bare minimum. He sat back down to let me leave. How absolutely disgustingly objectified I felt in those small subliminal actions.

I believe that it was good he reached out. I think I felt at some point that I could’ve treated him better in the first place and I felt a little guilty about it. I thought of him as sweet. I think I needed him to come back around one last time to finalize the relationship all together and to paint the picture that it truly was. And for that I am thankful.

I went into the “date” knowing that nothing more than talking would happen. Like I said I don’t want to disrespect the man I have been seeing. But I still wished that it went better.

I had a dream last night that I am going to share with you.

In my dream I was at a common outdoor mall in town that I usually don’t regular. And at this mall was a coffee shop that I was like skipping into. The day was warm and summery so naturally I would be floating into a coffee shop.

As I am running in, all but one employee is sitting outside eating ice cream off of cones. They wave hello to me, I do the same and open the door. The woman at the counter has long dark brown hair with a very natural beauty. Long eyelashes, nicely shaped eyebrows and freckles. I tell her that I love the people outside and she says “and they love you”.

I look around the shop and their decoration/menu is a bunch of statues of what they offer. Like statues of coffee and ice cream because apparently they also offer that.

I go to the counter and ask if I could get an iced oat milk latte with pumpkin flavoring. She says of course and starts making it. We have some conversation that I seriously can’t remember but as she is charging me out (it is 4.25 and I tip her 3 because she’s cute) she says “If you like it I work in the morning the next two days”.

“oh I’m definitely coming back.”

“I can’t wait, see you soon.”

• So you see, sometimes I worry that I just tell people I’m bisexual for clout and that I’m actually confusing my appreciation for attraction. And then I have cutie w/w dreams to check me… i’m just scared of women. like flirtatious undertows, and my unconscious want for her to be flirting with me.

I run to my car, so excited to see her Tomorrow. And I start to reverse but in my dream I am at a mall right by a Trader Joes. Trader Joes never has any parking at all, so this is actually quite historically accurate.

I start reversing and a grey mom car pulls to my left to try and take my spot. But zooming in fast to the right is a white Corvette that forces me to reverse quickly into the car parked on the isle behind me. I hit them. And I look to my left and right, suddenly no one is in sight SO I LEAVE!!! WHAT! I definitely thought that even asleep me would have some sort of conscious.

I pull away and head to a 711 down the road. When I get there like a bus full of people are already waiting in line. They also only have like one thing too, all salty cracker snacks.

I head to the back of the line and grab my keys from my bag. I touch my car key and it breaks In half. Immediately I know its Karma. And like halfway across the store I see my dad???

I run over to him and he helps me superglue it together.

The End

You could say I had a fever dream, because it was a dream while I was running a fever of course. But honestly like all my dreams are like this.

I caught the stupid stupid stupid flu from a party I went to a few days ago. This was a week before halloweekened halloween parties which I will always support. I don’t have 5+ costumes for nothing. I expect to wear them all.

I always put so much emphasis on Halloweekend that I always manifest the craziest things to happen. And honestly I hope something wild happens again. I NEED IT TO. I need some life altering event to spark some excitement and storytelling. Cause we all know I like to tell a little story or two.

I have this costume I thought of for halloween that I need a specific person to see me in. Like really badly. Like a specific cutie cat taurus man.

I have been seeing this person for about 5 months now, and its kinda complicated. We only recently established that we both caught feelings. But now that makes it worse right? Now am I emotionally invested? Is that smart?

I spent this whole last year testing my ability to attract men, to build relationships with them, to not have any emotional connection to some, to be manipulated and lied to, to get hurt and also to hurt them. That it doesn’t feel quite right this “thing” I got going on. Especially since I am now emotionally intertwined with him.

I got out of three year long relationship summer 2022. But that isn’t what messed me up bad. The two people who actually messed me up the worst were a coworker that I fell in deep with and….. my maintenance man.

ok maybe I should elaborate.

But not yet. I’ll dive into those later.

I was recently messaged by someone that I went out for brunch with last Spring. It was a Hinge date, he is something like 6’3 or so I believe. His hair is the same length as mine. He wears vans cargo pants and basic tee shirts. He is passionate about Photography. Overall an interesting and creative being.

So why is there absolutely no connection?

I am writing this to discuss “chemistry” and just how important it is.

When I first met this man I picked him up from his dorm room on campus. First thing he said to me was ” oh cool accent! Where are you from?”

I do not like this question one bit because I hate disappointing and I am born and raised in Oregon.

He was born in Brazil to a wildly adventurous and artistic family. Something about his father’s work caused them to move a few more places before ending up in the US. He knows french and a good amount of information on pop culture and arts from many different countries.

We find our way to a vegetarian and vegan brunch restaurant that I regular. And while we wait for our seat he goes in depth about a photography project he is working on. And the way that this man is passionate about his craft is truly inspiring. I love when people love what they do.

But he talked about trips, and trips (mushrooms) in New Zealand. He shows me pictures from it. And I listen.

He talks about one of his friend’s projects and shows me photos he took from it. And I listen.

He talks about hikes he took and then shows me more photographs from them. And I listen.

By the time we have eaten all our food and he ran out of photos in his camera roll, he asks “would you like to split it?”

I say “it’s cool I got it.” And this excites him. He is kind but young (we are the same age). And I feel almost happy about how little I talked. How little this man knew of me.

I drop him off. And I never reply to his text. Until a week ago when he messages me again and apologizes for “ghosting me”. I don’t argue this because he is an Aries and honestly does it really matter at the end of this life?

He asks when I will be free to get food with him again. And I remind him that I have two jobs and don’t have a ton of time. But he coaxes me in by asking if I would come over and he would cook me a vegan dinner with wine.

IM THERE!!! Literally was in a 3 year long relationship that not once did that man cook for me. Hell yes i’m letting a carnivore cook vegan food for me. I let him know I could come over after work the following week.

The day is here and I sprint home after work to get ready for this man. I change and touch up my makeup and head to the store to get him flowers for hosting.

When I show up to the house it is a gorgeous and large 1920s architecture styled home right on a hill and right below a native plant park. Gorgeous and odd layout with a whole lot of windows. I eat it up.

When I get inside he is playing classical music that has gone viral on TikTok a couple years prior, and he is stirring a pot of bowtie pasta. He tells me that he is making us some pesto noodles, I love pesto SO BAD. But after he strains the pasta and adds the pesto, the noodles aren’t green in the slightest. Like you cannot tell that there is any pesto on them. He takes a bite and says “that’s gas”………. ok

We sit down at the table and eat the bowtie noodles with a glass of wine. That is all folks. But whatever honestly. A man was cooking for me, of course I ate a snack before I headed over.

When we are done eating he walks me to his room where he shows me PHOTOS FOR LIKE AN HOUR. And mind you some are REPEATS FROM THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM. He talks about the editing process and proceeds to show me the before and after to what feels like a million pictures and when he is done with that he does the same with HIS BROTHERS PHOTOGRAPHS.

Once every single photo is looked through he says that we should watch a movie. I agree. He chooses a little artsy film of course that is not too bad actually. And we sit side by side for about two hours on his couch in his room. He hints at moving to the bed, I play dumb.

• So you see, I have been seeing a lovely Taurus man with a passion for a Rap career and flashy designer brands for about 5 months now. And during this time I have been taken on dates by men who should be exactly what i’m looking for. Men who are wild about me and send me videos of them crying because they want my attention. Men who have driven an hour to see me after a long day at work. Men who have tried to plan weekends away with me and all expenses covered by them. And i’m honestly not even sure if I deserve this. But I can’t shake this Trapstar Taurus who for some reason I feel such a bond to. We live very different lives and yet we speak the same, have similar demeanors and spend about 3 nights a week together. Like the first time this man was in my room he saw my jewelry box and says “oh so that is where you keep your chains”. Like “no bae it’s where I keep my cutie little necklaces.” I am riding out this connection to wherever it takes me because I can tell it will be important.

We stay sitting in his room after the movie is over in his cold basement room. He puts his arm around me and opens up his Spotify account. He scrolls through his own playlists and shares why each are named what they are and when he made them. And I listen.

He then decides to find my Spotify to look through mine. We have similar music tastes and he begins to quiz me on the Artists in my playlist.

“What is your favorite song by them?” followed by “Yea that is their biggest for sure.” And for some reason I am finding myself feeling self conscious over my own music taste for some reason. Once this is over and he has shown me his favorite cover of his favorite song on Youtube, he pours himself another glass of wine, pours some into my water cup that was preoccupied with water of course. I tell him I have to leave because i’m tired and I fake yawn which prompts me to actually yawn yawn.

“Would you like me to walk you up?” He lives with 4 other male roommates and he is in the basement.

“That would be lovely, thank you so much.”

When I put my shoes back on he hugs me on the way out. To sum it up, the hug is bad. And I chase the hug with a lite jog out of the house.

A creative and passionate man. He is tall and dresses like the boy version of me. He enjoys buying local art and loves surrounding his life with color. He wants to make people happy and show them that he cares about them. He plans what could’ve been the perfect date. And yet somehow there is not a thing that is drawing me to text him back yet again. There is no electricity. There is no energy between our eye contact, when it really feels like there should be.

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday. I would request off the whole halloweek if I could. I tried and I can’t…

Last Halloween there was a party at my apartment. And it was actually kinda the perfect little halloween party. Not too crazy but like still bumping.

I had the perfect costume too. I was an evil tooth-fairy. Like are you kidding me right now. I was covered in blood, in white wings and a little skirt. It was seriously a good idea. And even better…. a scorpio “friend” was supposed to show up with a blacked out tooth and a bloody shirt. It was gonna be perfect.

My man… uhh I mean my “friend” didn’t show.

And so you see… this “friend” had wanted me to be a little more serious with them. They suggested that we be a little bit more “one on one” for a lack of any better terminology. To which I said I had to think about that. So whatever. But now at this time I was seeing more of a future than expected. He was sweet. He bought me food. He cried in my arms. He wanted me to stay over. Like little situationship or whatever the hell.

But the issue was that we didn’t click….. in ways…. ways…. but I really can’t get into all that here. Or maybe I can but shouldn’t.

Well anyways. Mind made up. He’s done. Ghosted??? No sir, wrong girl.

But this man sent BOOKS of apologies to me. And honestly it wasn’t that deep but I was self sabotaging. I was bothered by this man. I was stressing it actually… then he sent me 25 dollars over imessage as an apology. But that was a turnoff. Begging is an ick. I say this because I have not once ever made a man I was interested in beg for me. I always cave before that point. But I was just mad and then it felt like he wanted me too much. Freaky.

I sent it back.

To which he sent a beautifully scripted text apology that insisted on taking me out to dinner.A date was set.

But by this time I was more hurt that he stood me up. And was pretty sensitive to being let down. So the whole date I spent really quiet. And he held my hands. He begged for my attention with his eyes, posture, his hands. But that made sad. I didn’t like how easily I hurt him. It made me feel bad. Like powerful and bad. Like a “why am I really mad at this man? but I can’t stop” bad. So I had to keep it up because I was too afraid of being vulnerable around him. In this moment I knew it was over.

Today I was on a walk with my wonderful purple pisces friend. We walk down by the river here and there for therapeutic reasons. And on this walk I see a bicycle coming our way. This bike really stood out to me for the fact that SCORPIO MAN WAS ON SO SAID BIKE.

And every memory came back to me. It was crazy. The way that I hadn’t thought about this man since and now I remember everything about him. It struck me kinda hard.

I thought about his hobbies first. He told me that he was passionate about bread. He then pulled up photos of astonishing loaves of bread with patterns and designs.

I remembered things about his family. They lived in Texas. But he had no huge ties to Texas. No super close friends. I remembered him decorating his room so I’d be comfortable in there. And his UGG brand comforter. And honestly I’d heist that. And his willingness to let me raid his closet on the first date. I remembered him letting me see his coding. And his stories about computer science.

It felt like I knew everything about him again. But somehow I can’t remember his last name. But I knew the person inside.

And I didn’t understand the feeling at all. It felt like Id always know those things about him. That the next time I see him in public, I’ll remember his pasta, beans and marinara combo. That he biked across the US alone for fun.

I feels like his face will forever be engraved in my brain. But this shocked me.

And the more that I think about it, I think that man really would’ve been good for/to me. But I can’t confirm that I would be to him.