Sebrea Things

No one has ever met my energy I swear. I just want to slip into YOUR skin. I wanna understand how YOUR brain movessss. UGHH

I’ve never been into someone who thinks that same way, they are usually freakkksss. It always makes me feel like a zoo animal. Like they actually just want to skin me and make me into a little rug.

I promise I have never wanted to skin anyone. I JUST WANT TO GET THE AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE. I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND.

I wanna feel getting goosebumps in someone else’s body. Or anxiety, or restlessness. LET ME IN BABE

But it hasn’t been getting good responses so maybeeee people think I want to skin them. I really don’t! I’m quite squeamish!!

Let me enjoy breathing through YOUR lungs

PS. I saw something on the internet today that said “eating in bed makes you a dirty bitch.” ARE YOU JOKING? I’m eating vegan yogurt and cherries in bed rn, STRAIGHT VIBE. Fuck you honestly

xoxo

Previous read xo

5/28

I went to the coast today. Me and my dog. And i’m nervous that i’ll run into you here someday. You showed it to me after all.

I wonder if you felt me thinking of you? if you ever think of me…

too

************

I was able to get my mom to send me her and my dad’s birth certificates so I could find out their astrological profile.

My dad is an aquarius sun, aries moon and scorpio ascendent. Wow!

My mom is a Capricorn sun, taurus moon and libra ascendent. OMG

*************

I wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time.

*************

I have a coworker who is 18 years older than me. She and I both have pisces moons. AHHH SO FUCKED.

She has had a few psychiatric issues these last couple years. She keeps telling me to really protect my head and heart.

She’s really sweet and intuitive.

************

One of my old coworkers, at the bar just out of town, he’s been on a little bender.

I am really fortunate to work the jobs that I do, and be around so many people who truly do care about me. But seeing these people in bad places is really hard. I have a hard time allowing them to drink themselves into oblivion. Like this is HIS community. He lives in this town, he drinks with his parents in this bar. I literally just work there, this is his life.

He gave me a venus flytrap start. He got it in the mail for the girl who inevitably set off his bender… I wonder what his moon sign is…

I left sick the day he brought it to me and forgot it at work, by the time I got to it they were all so dead. I felt so bad. A bunch of mini mouths all so sad. I cried.

When he was drunk he told me that he’d buy me another one. I begged him not to. i’m actually worried he will buy me another one. I don’t know what might happen if I let down another group of them.

might set me off. for real.

************

detach detach detach

I went through all my old saved voicemails today and dang those are a trip to hear. But there is a woman who has been calling me from Arizona since ive had this number.

Ive had my number for like 10 years…

Her name is Jackie and shes been looking for her friend Wynona who appears to have a new number.

I have picked up a few times and talked to Jackie. We have talked maybe 3 times where I obviously expressed to her that I am indeed not Wynona.

She told me once that Wynona was dating a man who tried to steal her identity. That Wynona was a single nurse and that he took all her money.. that sux ngl.

I wonder if morally I should tell Jackie AGAIN that im not Wynona, but also I get so excited every time I get a voicemail from Arizona.

Wynona is a Libra. Jackie wished her happy birthday in 2023.

5/25

I always said if I ever ran over a squirrel that id just run off the road too.

I ran over a fucking squirrel the other day, but my sister was in the car.

I guess it’s not my time yet. Now what to do?

***

I accidentally took a 7 minute video of myself getting ready today, I watched it to it’s entirety to really understand and dissect the moment. It’s a really strange thing to be able to see.

I would post it here, but its in my front pocket cause my jeans have no back pockets and i’m topless in a mirror. What a strange point of view.

Humans are so complex, I wonder what you do in the mirror?

xoxo bee

The human experience is just so beautiful. I hope you’re feeling that too right now. Whoever you are, wherever you are. I hope you are enjoying as much life as you can. The ability to feel deeply is such a flex honestly, cause good is amazing.

I wonder where we’ll be in a year.

probs somewhere awesome 😉

last read

norovirus ..

This last Wednesday I was feeling a little impulsssy when I left Trader Joes and saw a blood draw donation van. I’ve never given blood before and I have plenty so…

I hop right in. They take my paperwork, temp, iron levels, blood pressure and it’s all a go. I get up on the little chair and they stick that needle right in me… I begin to loose consciousness, they stop 😦

I get a little bag of chips and a grape flavored propel and I’m back on my way.

I work the bingo shift that night at work and am scrambling around a little bit. and get a little hungry. The kitchen makes me my “usual” (english muffin that I put peanut butter and craisins on).

And it is NOT sitting well.

Right before the last game which is always blackout, and the tension is always INSANE for this game. The pot of money to win is always over 600 dollars but I was actually gone for the whole game. THROWING UP IN THE EMPLOYEE BATHROOM.

Gross

* said bathroom is dingy, with this nasty old yellow format tile with like brown and grey speckles. With a huge sombrero and a huge spear in the corner (not a Mexican restaurant… not sure about the hat honestly.)

I’m throwing it the fuck up all over and crazy, then I hear “BINGOOOOO”

and I’m running out there because the after blackout stampede will begin and it will be crazy.

My mouth is gritty but do not worry my hands are cleannnn yayyyyy and I am closing tabs so people can go. SO I CAN GO.

Once everyone is out the door I tell my coworker who I absolutely adore that I can’t stay (thanks for letting me go Cancer man) and Im out the door.

I call my sister on the car ride home and proceed to VOMIT ALL OVER MYSELF, MY CAR, MY PURSE, MY PHONE… anything around. AND IT ALL SMELLS LIKE PB EWWWW

I get home and throw myself into the shower and use the antibacterial soap I just got for my new tattoos and am THRILLED to have it. But before I take a mirror selfie cause I knew it would be funny later.. i’ll put that picture at the end hahaha so don’t scroll if ur gonna get grossed out.

I spend the whole next day sleeping and sleeping having fever dream after fever dream and they all suck so bad. Just know I am pissed in that bed. And honestly confused as to why I am not getting better if this is from the blood draw…

I wake up the next day also sick as FFFFFAAAAAAAK so I go to urgent care cause I also had a nose bleed which I never have so it is suspicious.

Urgent care waiting rooms are a trip as one might assume but for some reason I like skipped the line and hopped 6 people. ROCKSTAR ENERGYYYY

I have norovirus…

scroll for photo

Flower

Wherever you are, i’ll always be there in a call. One call away.

please don’t forget.

I never will.

I work at a small bar just about 15 minutes out of town, up River. It’s very farm and community based.

I came into my busiest shift this last week. It’s a Wednesday night and it’s BINGO night. Draws a heavy crowd, always.

One of my oldest regulars out here (he’s genuinely been coming to this bar at 3pm on the dot his whole life) (and he has a drawl when he speaks), he calls me over and slowly asks me how I know this one girl. I recognize the name but can’t put a face to it.

He pulls out his phone and slowly shows me her Facebook.

• A few years ago I was seeing my maintenance man at my first apartment. We had been dating just about 2ish months but nothing official. But we were exclusive (or so I thought.) I had later found out that he had another girlfriend who lived in the same apartment complex.

It’s was her Facebook page that my regular had pulled up.

God bless a small town

full moon coming

I woke up around 3:40am last night in a slight panic followed by instant relief. I was having a dream that my neighbor was stalking me…. NO

I have these funky, tall and skinny amber glass and bubbly windows in my house (sorry that was a lot). I have one in my room, one in my bathroom, one for some reason in my garage and one right next to my front door.

I am not able to see out the windows at night and up until last Summer I didn’t know that you could actually see in..

My dog has a horrible habit with eating his poop. HORRIBLE ewWWW

But the solution for some time was that I would follow him and “flip” (burry it) his poop. There is a small side yard area that he loves to poop in, whatever. Coincidently its the side that my amber windows look onto.

One Summer night after Willie did his business and while I was flipping, I noticed YOU CAN SEE INTO MY HOUSE. At the time I had a clear chain link fence separating mine and my neighbors yard.

We have since put a fence, literally for my privacy.

I have gotten horrible vibes from this neighbor, if any of yall remember when I caught the FREAK in my bushes… putting bread in them… YEA ITS THE SAME ONE.

I digress….

I woke up last night from a dream that our houses were like 5 feet apart and into his room was an amber window that lined up perfectly with my amber window into my room. I dreamt that he was watching me and that I was trying to pretend that I wasn’t being watched. But that he was texting me… AHHHH

I had a hard time getting back to sleep cause I obviously needed to go secure the house and make sure no one was around. Thankfully I have a German Shepherd who hates sounds outside. No one was inside and all my windows were locked.

****** LATER **********

I had a busy day at work but still had a ton of energy. I actually drank so much caffeine today that I was still wired. I decided I wasn’t going to go to the gym since it is like almost a full moon and energy was already weird as all hell.

So I decided to clean my gutters. They haven’t been done yet this year and my compost bin was picked up last week so it seemed like a perfect time.

Im up there doing my thing and it starts to get a little dark, but light enough to see things kinda so I am still pluggin away, it is only 5:45pm.

But my neighbors a few houses down are playin loud music, bumping and kids shouting.

I am in the corner area of my house and fence. about 30 ft away from his window when I notice him open it up and fumble with a ladder sitting outside his window. He puts a hat on and has a thick maroon colored thing around his neck that looks like it might be to cover his face. I watch him slip right out his window, duck when going past the other windows and walk into his yard.

I am literally fucking stunned. I just got off my ladder as quickly and quietly as possible and FREAK OUT.

PAIRED WITH MY DREAM I AM ACTUALLY SHAKING IT IS NOT OK. I STILL FUCKING AM.

help me, but i’ll keep you updated.

I am actually terrified

ode to M

Things recently fizzled with a beautiful man I had been seeing for the past 5ish months. I’m perfectly happy with how they ended with you my sweet but how badly I wish it could’ve been so easy with you.

I met him once before many years ago when I was actually seeing his friend. We showed up to an event that he had invited us to, but I made note of him.

Fast forward to a few months ago, I was going through a horrible soul crushing breakup. M came into my work and I told him I recognized him. His demeanor was so chill and friendly and confident. He was so polite and seemed so honest. I imagined what a life with a man like that would be like. And genuinely it was what pushed me to finally cut off my ex.

He came back a few more times, so one night I followed him on instagram. He followed me back the next day. That same week he had come back to my place of work when his friend who was with him came up to say hi, I asked if M was here and he said yes. I replied “I love him”

Girl.

He goes “oh yea you love him.” I say “no but I eat him up.”

GIRL

He leaves and I freak out for about an hour before M comes up and asks if i’d like to do something with him sometime. It genuinely felt like fate.

We spent the summer hanging out 1-2 times a week with very little communication between that. He was like no one else I have ever met. Careless about love but kept me company. I met his family and napped with him in his room once.

We went on hikes, to the coast, made food with his camping gear on little day dates. We listened to music from the 70s but spoke nothing of commitment. We had spoken of exclusivity which eased my mind, but honestly I wanted more so bad.

I wanted him to want me so bad. I wanted him to care about me in a way that I genuinely don’t think is possible for him. He lived a life of solitude but kept himself entertained. He was a low energy man but I wanted him to match my pace so so so bad.

I adored his long hair, his freckles, his mustache, his kind eyes. But the lack of admiration for me on his end was hard to cope with. I knew this was short term, but it felt so nice to be with a good man for once that I held onto every single moment I got with him.

M you mean so much to me and I am so thankful for the time we spent together. I hope you are able to appreciate me the way that I do you.

You never made much sense to me, I adored that about you.

You looked like a young Glenn Frey and that really did it for me.