I sleep best when i’m alone.

Yesterday was odd. I went to work for a mid Saturday shift. It started perfect but if I sum it up with as little words as possible, I left right at five running out the door and half my eye makeup was on a paper towel in the bathroom trashcan. I shouldn’t get into the rest online because of Digital footprint or something like that……I guess.

Whatever all that. Can’t put it out. protecting my peace.

I have plans to hangout with my Cancer woman. She is to die for. She wants to go on a hike and usually i’d be all over this idea. But my puffy eyes and hungry stomach wants food and a shower.

When she gets to my house she unknowingly corners herself in my living room while I RUN CIRCLES AROUND THE ROOM WITH MY MOUTH while applying mascara. God bless her.

She drives us to a new Thai food place downtown. I got this amazing Brussel sprout dish with tofu. If I could right now I would jump into it and do snow angels. Salivating as I type. While in the restaurant she lets me again run my mouth. I probably should pay her hourly. But we eat and gossip in cute outfits with cute makeup. So far a perfect evening.

Most of the time we hangout we find ourselves shopping. Living with this woman for a year taught me a lot. She has a different perspective than I do, but we tend to come to similar conclusions. I really enjoy that.

We find our way to Target on a Saturday night of course. We run about the whole store before heading to the Department that we both knew we’d end up in the first place. I get acne patches in the shape of blue stars while she gets acne patches in white circles. We get mostly all that we needed and it takes up four hands because we did not get a cart. The self checkout line is crazy but we wait patiently, and talk. The man in front of us is very much listening and so is the woman behind. Like damn, why can’t anyone mind their own business when two loud and observant girls are talking. Hello?

We checkout and head to another store to get some cute purple things for our cute purple Pisces friend. This is also a success plus I find some funky and pink candlestick holders.

We head back to my apartment to unload and urinate. And I suggest dessert because she has something she wants to get her mind off of and I don’t wanna leave her presence yet. So she gets a slice of cake and I get the one vegan option. German chocolate is never something I search for but I have to admit that it was kinda everything and more in that moment. But our conversation has shifted.

My friend had periodically been checking her phone all night because she had a gut feeling that someone was being slimy to her. They were. As the sky darkened her anxiety started building to the point that her legs were shaking. My sweet Cancer woman.

We ended up confirming her intuition which was super disappointing to see. But I have no business sharing anymore of her story. Just know that if anyone reads this… do not lie to a woman, her and her friends will find out.

When I got home that night I held a great distain for men. My rose colored glasses had fallen off and I was reminded of that feeling again. The relief and heartbreak that is felt once you find something out and everything that follows will come crashing down.

I washed my hair, shaved my legs, painted my toenails, put on a slip and powered off my phone. I went to bed alone, this wasn’t originally the plan. But at the end of the day I am a woman and my energy can’t and won’t always be given to a man.

I sleep best alone.

I work a grave or two a week right now and it is detrimental to my mental and physical health. I often spend the afternoon after the shift with very little to say, maybe feeling a bit unmotivated. I find myself having a hard time grasping my why in this world when I wake up so late. This will usually bring me to a spiral and I tend to question my entire existence.

This is usually more logic based compared to feeling based. This is where I rage about scheduling, career, schooling, sleep, eating. Basically just all the inner workings of my day and how they effect my life. I tend to be pretty pissed when stuck in this loop, but most of the time it feels like a kickstart to change my life.

But today I woke up emotional. I CAN’T STOP CRYING!!!!!!!

Today is a day that I feel completely hopeless. I am actively sobbing as I write this. But someone has to multitask.

I woke up and started a cup of coffee first thing. No almond milk or creamer. So of course I had to cry over this….. girl WTF

Then I see that its 1:30 PM PM PM PM PM! IN THE AFTERNOON! PM PM! So I cry.

I am making breakfast which I MUST do every morning. Today was two pieces of toast with almond butter, hemp seeds and two cut up bananas on top. I enjoy this with now a cold cup of black coffee. A little caffeine and fruit is usually followed by some dancing and a smile. But as I’m eating I go on TIKTOK and the first video to pop up is a lobster running into a pot of oil. SOBBBBBINGGGGG SOBBING.

This was a wakeup call for sure. And I don’t know what needs to happen but I have to change something soon.

xoxoxo luv ya a milli

Me and my amazing roommates got the “go ahead” to start moving out about a week ago. So naturally we started 4 days ago and waiting until the absolute last minute to clean it.

A trash bag was started with expired food that sat in the kitchen in the apartment that had no type of AC. This trash tripled in size as we cleaned and organized. But unfortunately the perishables got hot. THEY STANK SO BAD. Our ex chosen roommate who moved out a week before us had left a container of garbanzo beans. I would never wish the scent of rotten beans on my worst enemy. It lingers. And stank up the entire apartment. I put the bag outside.

On the last day for us to have our keys, we decided to go out to eat as a sweet little group and then deep clean the hell out of the apartment.

As a team we got through it kinda fast. The last thing that we had to do was take out the trash. But it had fit just about everything and more in the apartment. There was no way that we could carry it. Genuinely so heavy. Dragging it became the best option, it being the only option.

We started to move it along and it was really so clear that we were not going to make it in one piece. But what else to do? As we drug it, a small trail of liquid started to form behind it. PANIC! spillage is inevitable! The pace picks up and now i’m going quick. As the pace quickens, a smaller trail of NEON ORANGE starts to form. NOOOO! i’m running but a curb is approaching. PANIC DOWN MY SPINE. I jump that curb with my bag of trash, she sticks the landing against all odds. But a handle breaks, I grab the body of the bag and am running. We are stopped. A speed bump has now stopped all motion. We try to slowly pull the bag over it and the bag tears. We stop to think.

Lilah steps in and grabs the bag to pull it and now what used to be a bag is spilling all its contents. SPICY MAYO is all over the place. WARM STINKY SPICY MAYO! But we are in too deep and the trash is now scattered about 8 feet across the parking lot. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARKING LOT.

We are just about on the floor laughing about this. It was a suicide mission from the start, and the NEON ORANGE STINKY SPICY MAYO trail is too much for us to handle. We have accepted our fate to pickup all this trash but we are very much not prepared so we stare and laugh at the mess for a couple minutes.

An angel flies above us and drops down a stranger with a kind kind soul. A middle aged man who rode over on a bike is now walking over to us with a shovel. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

He speaks “oh my god” and “wow oh god” like a broken record and helps us shovel our trash the remaining ways to the dumpster. An Earth angel. We give the beautiful soul ten dollars because honestly he was going Gods work.

We did the final drive of dropping stuff off at mine and Pisces woman’s apartment. We are still laughing but hard hard now. A kind of uncontrollable laughter that I haven’t had in a really insanely long time. So I cried, and disguised it as laughter.

Yesterday I woke up in a very unusual mood. I was super tired which unfortunately is very normal for me. But I was kinda hazy. The smoke from the local wildfires came back which could’ve been contributing to it, but in an overall I felt like the world weighed more. Taking my steps were more labor intensive, eye contact with myself in the mirror made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t enjoy the way music was sounding. I assumed at this point it was possibly hormonal or something.

I get to work at the high volume/fast paced 24 hour coffee shop I work at. And it was a shift set up for success. Not exactly the quickest coffee makers, but people all of the same mindset who make a smooth and easy shift. I was incorrect.

The cars came consistently which is alway nice. But the people inside them were unpredictable. I was talking to one of my regulars at the window while she described two popped tires, a house fire and a stalker all in a two week span. Her drink was complicated so they were walking a trainee through it. This prompts the woman behind her to pull out of line to storm up to the walkup window to rant about me talking to my regular. How she won’t stand for the wait, mind you by the time she got to the window I was handing out the person who was originally behind hers order. That is no biggie to me though. I don’t mind impatient people all too much. I understand what it feels like to be waiting, and its pretty obnoxious if you’re already in a mood. But then again if you don’t want conversation, go to a coffee shop that isn’t KNOWN for service..

The hour span that I was on that window was emotional. I talked with men coming home from work to burry Coco, their dog who they found hit that morning. Coco was 7.

I talked with a regular who opened up about a son that she lost a few weeks ago. He went into a Fent induced coma that she ended up pulling the plug on. His daughters are now staying with her in the house that she shares with about 6 other grieving family members.

I usually spend about 5 minutes a shift talking and grieving with people. Today was abnormal. Sometimes I hold their hands or maybe give them little drawings. This is something that I feel is important. A safe place to rant with a stranger, I am an outlet to release some energy and I think it is really important to have something like that if you can’t in your daily life. And I can usually hold my composure pretty well while this occurs. But today was not the day.

I took my break in the middle of my window hour so I could rebuild my vibrations. I sat in my car and listened to the song at the top on repeat about 4 times.

I also ate half of a banana and threw the rest at a flock of crows that was eaten by the end of my shift. Before going inside I grabbed a small pouch that the stand’s favorite regular made for me that I have crystals in. I don’t wear crystals on me at work very often.

I go back inside to finish my shift strong.

I have a delightful regular who I don’t know all too well. He is middle aged, tatted all over, large but a little quiet and overall absolutely delightful man that I am beginning to see more often. The first time I met this man was a random night shift that I had gotten called in for. He had come through with the oddest energy that I really couldn’t put my finger on. I asked him what he was doing all day and he informed me that his daughter just gave birth. We celebrated a bit. And so the next time the man came through I asked him about her, he was very excited to talk about his new family member. I was happy to hear it. I see him about every week. He is sweet and always pretty quiet. We do not talk too much but he is easily one of my favorites to see because he feels safe to be around.

I am making drinks yesterday and see his usual drink pop up on the screen but under “Bad Day”. I make it ASAP, write on it “we love you” and go outside to run it to him. I hand him the drink and he starts to cry instantly. I ask him what is wrong and he is silent so I ask him if I can hug him. He gets out of his car and I hold this man as tight as I can. His vibrations were so insanely low that I swear I could feel them when I touched him. I spent about a minute holding this man and giving him the best affirmations that I could. But it was all so emotional and powerful that I am having a hard time remembering the words that we exchanged. I can only remember the feeling of his aura. When we let go I remember my crystals and hand him a moss agate. This was a random grab but I truly believe it was the correct accidental choice due to moss agate promoting communication and balancing stress and depression and encouraging hope. He gets back into his car and like instantly I am in the standing fighting back tears.

I felt as though I had absorbed some of his energy. I felt like I did because my stomach started to ache in the same way that it does when I myself am hopeless and anxious.

The interaction consumed me. I thought about him all night. I worried about my words and worried about where he was. He never directly told me why he was feeling that way, but he felt to be in pain. And I was scared of that. The way we interacted outside of his car, in front of about 7 other cars leads me to believe that he was in awful shape. I seriously can’t wrap my mind around his energy. And I feel so hopeless when they drive away. I feel like if they stay just a little bit longer that i’ll be able to somehow take the negative energy although this is highly unlikely.

When I drove home from work I listened to that song again and again and again because it felt like it was regulating me. I had to shower and SRUB hard when I got home. I needed to fresh start the night. I made a wonderful dinner with lots of veggies and I cleaned my room with all the windows and doors opened to air out the trapped energy before I could let someone else enter my home.

The night was wonderful because a Taurus person came over. Their reliable, upbeat demeanor is always welcome in my home. I genuinely try my hardest to make it a welcoming environment for them when they come over. And we spent some time blowing bubbles and chasing a good lightning view at my apartment complex. We play chess and listen to music.

I felt like the vibrations had leveled once again.

I slept so well.

I just wanna say this is a hugeeeee TMI. But I am sharing this anyways.

I currently have the copper IUD birth control. It is non-hormonal and lasts like 12 years or something. This has greatly impacted my periods though. They are like freaky freaky heavy. I have switched to the disk as my chosen feminine hygiene product due to this. In an overall glance it holds so much more liquid and is much better for the environment than disposable and plastic wrapped tampons. But I am still new to them and have stumbled across some obstacles.

Summer is good. The sun is great. Vitamin D is crucial. And finding myself in water during all this is NON NEGOTIABLE!

I work with some very likeminded and delightful people. One in particular has the perfect balance of bold and fire to calm and slightly awkward. We get along well. I love her. But she invited me to go to a swim spot that she knew about, It was too good. Perfect actually. And me and one of my witchy women and her and one of her besties all met there. I had knowingly started my period at work about 2 hours before so when I went home I threw that bad boy in (my disk). I also wore a black bottom just to be safe hehe.

We arrived to the place and it is just impeccable. Trees all over. A bridge with a rope swing underneath. Deep and warm water… it is currently on fire as we speak but i’ll get deeper into that soon. Whatever… It is perfect. We are there for a couple hours just swimming and swinging and enjoying every minute of our time off the grid. My disk still in let me remind you. But now the time has come to leave. We have exerted all our energy and are now in desperate need of food.

We make the 52 minute drive to SUBO sushi burritos!!!! This is like my all time favorite summer food. We order and eat, I take everyone home. I drive home myself and have realized that my disk has been in for like 8 hours. This wouldn’t normally be an issue but since I had swam in a swamp and was still wearing damp swamp swim bottoms, it was.

After my period stopped I had a PP appointment for a general checking and they told me I had “a light case of BV.” I am very much under the impression that my swamp disk gave me this.

BTW the BV is all gone now for your reassurance.

This is my warning to not swim about with any cup or disk like feminine hygiene product unless you can shower and boil her immediately after.

I swear that I am cognitively declining or something like it. Recently I have been putting things on top of the fridge instead of inside. I have also been putting really weird things in the washing machine on accident. My purse has gone through about 4 laundry cycles in the past two months. And honestly those things are really minor, but when it happens often it makes me feel CRAZY.

The reason why I saw this is because the other night I was intending on making tofu. I cut it up and set it on a pan with some oil. And at some point walked away from it. I saw it about 8 hours later on the stovetop and was too busy to make it so I threw it in the fridge, pan and all. The next day I wake up and go about my time. I am working a grave that night so naturally I make a bag of popcorn and throw the fridge tofu on the stove and make it with teriyaki sauce… some call this girl dinner.

• side note!!!!!! Ive been posing a lot about me eating fruit and now everyone is messaging me about fruit which gives me a reason to talk about fruit. I have created the perfect environment of conversation for me.

I went to work AND HAD TO VOM SO BAD. But like whatever right? Ok so I’m up and working in the middle of the night of course. And we have a regular who tips a bunch but has a weird fascination with me and a couple other girls. But he comes by so I hide because he is not as creepy with the girl I was working with. But he asks her about me. She tried to play it off but he really wanted to see me so I intended on popping my head up and just saying Hi. But the man wants to trap you every time. And I got stuck in an uncomfortable conversation. When I go up to the front he starts it off with a “how have you been?” Im short with him and say “good.” He then looks me up and down and says “so I found your insta the other night. It just popped up on my suggested.”

“Oh weird.”

He looks me up and down and says “girl…”

“What?”

“Oh you know.” he says with a creepy chill inducing smirk.

“What?”

“You post some spicy content on there.”

“WHAT?!”

“Oh yea I see those bikini pictures.”

“Ew don’t say that my mom follows me.” and I walk to the back while he is asking if i’m in a relationship. I pretend not to hear. Then I archive some summer pics with friends because now i’m self conscious and aggravated.

HE LEAVES..

I go to the bathroom and vomit up my tofu and popcorn.

I would like to share a story from a minute ago, but it really needs to see the light.

Last Summer I was working a night shift at a coffee shop over by a bus station… we got odd people often. I had been out in the sun all day and was Zapped!!! whatever… I get to work and clock on. As I am making drinks and taking orders I notice at a table nearby a man is sitting and STARING AT ME HARD. The kind of stare you can feel down your spine. I pretend not to see him because honestly I was terrified of direct eye contact with this man.

He walks up to the order window that we take for people not in cars, but unfortunately this required me to hop on the counter to open it up (many bruises followed this maneuver). I open the window.

“Make me another one of these!” holding a cup.

“I don’t know what that is, what did you have?”

“I don’t know. You made it.”

“Im sorry sir, I just got here.”

“Just make it again for me.”

“Ok.” I make him an Americano with cream and sugar…. simple enough. But as I am handing this man his drink. HE REACHES INTO THE SHOP WITH A PINK TASER AND TRIES TO ZAP ME. But unfortunately he wasn’t so lucky.. if so this would be a cooler story.

I am baffled. stuck. no words. But my shift lead at the time did. She runs up and is shouting at this man. They go attttt it for like 30 seconds and i’m just standing there. “no how dare you?” “I didn’t.” “yes you did I literally saw you.” “no!” “yes I saw you!”

“my bad.”

And he leaves!!!! HIS BAD!!!! I had to cackle that is funny af. And its the story at work for the next day or two…..

A week or so goes by and I am working a midday shift. I am currently assigned to the same window area and I see my man walking to the stand. I knew it was him instantly because of his peg leg.. wait hold up did I not mention his peg leg before? lol my bad. Ok whatever.

I tap my coworker on the shoulder and tell him that it was the pink taser man. He offers to step in for me. HELL NO! this is my business to attend. He comes up to the walkup window

“Good afternoon sir, what can I get for you today?”

“Coffee” and he sets a slingshot into the stand, he is also holding a large stick with a feather duck taped to the end in his other hand.

“Im sorry Sir but you can’t set your weapons in here.”

“WEAPON?!” he screams. I jump. “No ma’am this is my pea shooter.”

“Oh my bad, can you take your pea shooter out?”

“yes ma’am”

“ok thank you.I think I can make you something.” So obviously I put in an order for an americano with cream and sugar. He is staring at me. So I ask “Are you experiencing any Deja vu ?” His eyes get HUGE. “Yes I am.” I say “How strange me too.” Let’s not forget that this whole time my coworker is not leaving my side. God bless him.

“I have something for you.” this man says to me. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a purple croqueted granny square and honestly it was really dirty…. what the hell?!!!?! He throws it at me and it lands on the counter. “I made this for you in my sleep.”

“No way, in your sleep? I don’t believe you.”

“YES IN MY SLEEP.” He shouts.

“Ok I believe you, wow this is really nice. Thank you but what am I supposed to do with this?”

“Wear it” he says to me with a smirk.

“Its too small, where do you want me to wear this?”

“On your head girl!” So I throw the dirty rag on my head and start posing. He jumps around shouting. He takes his coffee and leaves.

BEST DAY EVER

my coworkers thought I was insane.

I am..

My forever Love

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7IlV1q0hPPDTx5Ox7tdIv0?si=RibIizOFSXaZQ-qUTns2mQ

Hello reader, I love you!Thanks for being here!

Today started gloomy but not cold. A trailer to our upcoming Fall, or maybe just some haze from nearby forest fires. I woke up early to get to work by 7. No biggie, but I had not slept too much since closing at my other job that night before. Nonetheless work went by just fine.

I have two delightful roommates that I can’t wait to introduce you to. We decided to go out to get Indian food which has been our most recent favorite. But the real thing that fascinates me about this outing was the topic of conversation vs. various settings. We start at home discussing our day prior (obligations and work), to which we decide to go somewhere else to talk about more….. nsfw topics. This change is actually verbally lined out.

“Save that thought till we are at the restaurant”.

We sit at our booth for 3 and compare and contrast in trusting and graphic detail. Aloo Gobi is a side to our juicy conversation, I can’t get enough of both. Our time together isn’t over though, but we can’t stay at the restaurant.

We drive to a park/river walk to more or less compare observations. We think about exes and what they have in common, what they have in common with friends of aunts’s exes. We talk about our behavior and connect that to the moon, astrology, ovulation, capitalism, school and men. but we do this all while sitting under an acorn tree.

This particular acorn tree stands out to us because its acorns are green. We talk about how long it’s been since we’ve thought about these kinds of trees, we sit underneath. This tree emphasizes change. Green acorns that will soon be brown as well as an indicator of Fall. We sit now under this tree as grown women instead of the kids we were last time. And we make remarks to this.

“I can’t remember the last time I sat in a field.”

Our conversation has ran its course and we have circled back to prior ideas just incase anyone left out anything or has conjured up any new insight. We have successfully ran out of words and find ourselves driving home with no music. I feel tired and full. No doubt that we will do this again next week.

“I really missed you guys.”