Why would you leave me alone in this desert?

You know I like the ocean.

I lay down in the warm sand and allow it to swallow me. Smother me.

Hold me one last time.

12/13

I was driving down the highway tonight replaying the day in my mind.

Listening to old indie music and hydroplaning twice in all the rain.

These are two of the rocks I was able to find today. Me and my best friend like to go out in the rain and look for agates. Yesterday was a goldmine.

We left with soaked hair and dirt coated boots. BUT OUR POCKETS WERE FULL

it was a good day

A Night in my Body

My skin is breaking out and my eyes are red from scrubbing my makeup off today. I’m wearing high school volleyball sweats with a line of paint on the ass where I backed up into a wet cabinet door. I ran my fingers through my hair until every curl was separated. I am holding it out of my face with a green headband I have been using every night for about 5 years. My white slippers with the purple butterflies are on. I wear a light green tank top that is see through enough to not only see my nipples but make out where each of my tattoos lie.

In no way shape or form would I ever allow anyone else to ever see me outside the house like this, I look fucking sexy.

Like not in a conventional way though, more like “free girl” “wild lady” kind of way.

And although I feel stuck and confused right now. My body knows who I am, she knows what I deserve.

demands it.

Dinner for One

Tonight I went out by myself for the first time in a very long time. I have always been pretty independent but often find myself latching on pretty hard to people and stop doing things by myself. It gets uncomfortable if you haven’t really been alone in a while.

But I am pretty alone right now so it appears I will rekindle the strained connection with myself.

When I got to the restaurant they automatically assumed I had a To Go order since I was alone. This is amusing to me because I TOTALLY do this at my work too.

They sat me in the back with a chair pointing directly at a couple clearly on a date.

Dinner and a show 😉

…. Except my eavesdropping got awkward so fast once I started really hearing their conversation.

This man (graphic tshirt, work boots and a hat) is talking about hitting his ex wife, on a date…… to a very small woman.

What the fuck.

Like

Im refreshing my emails to find something to distract me or LITERALLY ANYTHING!!!! But I had one bar of service, no food yet and this man was LOUD.

I have never hit anyone. I don’t see myself hitting anyone in the near future. And if I did I think I’d be a bit embarrassed by it.

I definitely wouldn’t be sharing loudly on a first date to a woman who is CLEARLY not engaging.

I’ve been on bad dates. I’ve been on more bad first dates than good so I know what it looks like. It looks like getting up to go to the “bathroom” and making eye contact with the girl who is clearly listening and subtly nodding.

Girl I get it. You don’t claim him.

I notice her putting on her jacket and setting her purse on her lap as he talks about the failed sex life he had with his ex, she’s showing him she’s ready to go.

Once the check is paid, she stands up prompting him to leave too. We lock eyes again. I feel bad for her.

And they are now gone.

My food comes soon after.

Cilantro tastes like soap

I date a man who I love and cherish. He has beautiful eyes, a sweet smile, a lovely nose, and he’s funny and intelligent. I love him with my heart and soul. I feel deeply connected to him and we even match up pretty well astrologically.

But he messaged his ex in early stages of us talking via email… yea I know it’s so embarrassing for me.

Email… WTF

but I shrugged that off.

My intuition struck up again when he got too flirty with a coworker of ours. There ended up being something there. It was a big deal.

I pretended to shrug that off

He has now taken a job that will send him out of town and alone in a hotel room for over a week quite frequently.

I want to trust him. I really want to. But at the end of the day …

Am I overthinking? Or am I being lied to again?

UPDATE ALERT !!!!!

he cheated on me 08/03/25

My room is filled with clutter and I’m watching my plants wither. I’m aware of their health but my skin won’t stop breaking out and my nails are getting brittle.

I observe as a leaf turns brown. I watch it shrivel. But my legs are filled with bruises and my arms are getting weaker.

Dust collects on the untouched plant but my jeans have swallowed me completely and I now I’m stuck.

I don’t wanna kill us both so I water her for the first time in a month in hopes that she will save me in return

As of this very minute

I’m currently sitting in the shade of a Walmart parking lot to get my tires switched. My fingernails are dry to touch but would smudge if I tried putting my shoes on. Metaphorically, my shoes are currently on.

I bought a Duplex with my sister about a month ago from my Grandpa’s life long bestie. He rented it out for 20+ years. He kept rent low but the house got too expensive to keep renovating so he’s deciding to sell instead of gradually upping rent due to regulations around how much a landlord can up rent a year. I’m renovating it with my sister, mom, dad and boyfriend.

My lizard hasn’t eaten in like 5 days and that stresses me out. I have about a dream a week regarding her health. I love her and worry about her. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should surrender her just so I don’t stress the amount that I do about her, but that requires a heartbreak that I am not willing to face.

I have to urinate but they said only about an hour for the car, and I’m thirty minutes deep so I think I’ll be ok.

I’m back

It’s been a while since I have written on here. But expect me more. I have a lot to say, but today I will keep it lite.

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend doesn’t know my tattoos off the top of his head. But not like he missed a few, he didn’t know most of them!

I asked him if I had both my ribs tatted…. and he said no. Like BASIC questions about my physical appearance.

I have been seeing this man since December and it is late June. He stays the night at my house 6/7 days of the week. And I was baffled that he can’t remember details about me.

Does he just not care enough to notice? Why tf wouldn’t he make himself familiar with me and my body.

Thats not normal..

When will this heartbreak turn into anger ?

Recently a man who spent a lot of time with me ended up leaving my life. And he left me with claw marks. 

I knew him to be stable, carefree and enthusiastic, but he ended up being nowhere near stable, unfortunately…

And I really don’t like thinking of him this way. This wasn’t the person I knew. Although I knew he wasn’t the man for me, the time we spent and thought that feeling might be reciprocated. Unfortunately…

I was at work maybe a month ago when I hear my name as I’m running by a car (I work at a coffee shop where we take orders outside). I knew the voice instantly and turned to see my most recent ex (not technically an ex since we never were official but bffr he was at my house 5 days a week for 7 months and we were seeing each other exclusively, or so I thought). I turn to look and I see that he is sitting in the backseat of his parents, whom I’ve never met, their car!!! 

Uhhh wtf 

I literally blanked and went totally customer service it was insane. “Oh hi *****, what are you doing here”…… yada yada yada I honestly only half remember since I’m pretty sure I blacked out some of it. 

He ends up showing me his broken arm, and introduces me to his family. His family. I met his family. 

I run inside after the interaction and cry just a bit. A healthy amount probably. Like 5 tears. 

A week passes. Like exactly a week. And I get called up to a car because “someone wants to say hi”. I run up to see a tall, freshly ear pierced, and half recognizable man wearing sunglasses and being driven in the passenger seat by his mom (Who I just met the week before). 

I get told that he just got picked up from being in an involuntary hold at the mental hospital for a drug induced psychosis after he told his parents the week prior that he was going to propose to me, at work that day. . . 

THE WAY THAT I WAS SPEECHLESS

He also tells me that he taught himself discipline and that he loves me and that soon we have to meet up so he can share his wisdom with me to help “open my eyes”. He shares that he broke his hand but that he can’t tell me how quite yet. He tells me that he listened to Viva La Vida by Coldplay on repeat until he couldn’t handle it to “learn”. It was really alarming actually. 

When he leaves, I go to the restroom and cry. And unhealthy amount. Probably. 

Since that situation I have only received interactions on my socials from him. He stopped by my roommates work yesterday and he tries to add me on social media routinely now.  

There is a shift in his postings. And I’m frightened by this man. Because I never, not once knew this man. The man I knew was stable, carefree and enthusiastic. 

I think back and the only warning sign that there was coming from him was that he always would tell me that he loved how we both have such “long and curly hair.”

He accidentally left a hair in my sweatshirt to which he was like “oooooh look at how long and curly it is”….

*THE CURLY HAIR IN QUESTION!*

claiming curl on something so straight was probably the first warning sign that I missed. With pure confidence. 

Delusional. 

2/23/24

Life is full of decisions. I am notorious for making the wrong ones. Please hope its the right one this time.

I feel so alone today. I made someone else feel so alone today. How can that possibly be the right thing? I still can’t eat. I thought my body would be fixed once my problem was fixed. Is my problem fixed? When will I feel better?

I have eaten Aloo Gobi four times this last week. It burns for a few hours after I eat it. It makes me feel better. It feels like its burning all the toxins in my body out. But my issue is that now i’m starting to sweat the smell of the Indian dish. Something about the way my body metabolizes the spices leads me to secrete them through my sweat glands. How interesting?

I have been noticing signs of my vibrations getting lowered. My patience is shorter, my skin is worsening, I can’t sleep, I am unable to feel secure in my day to day life. Give me time to bring them back up.

My tofu stuck to the pan tonight when I was cooking dinner. I used cooking oil so I don’t know what my problem was.

I put in a new belly button piercing. I took three showers. I reapplied my makeup.

I changed my outfit from a big tee and spandex, to yoga pants and a sweatshirt, to purple biker shorts and a small top, now to booty huggin flared jeans and a blue tank top. All of the decisions wrong. But I thought they were right.